31 July 00:53 to 01:22 — about 30 July. Rat's death.

It all started around 7-8 am. I don't remember the time well.

We all waited for this to happen. Because he is old and sick.

This exact day was marked as "The last day" in my calendar. Because this day supposed to be the last day I come to doctors with my rat or the day when the treatment, according to plan, was supposed to end. Later we had the change of plans but it doesn't matter anymore.

Another fact is that the first day we came to docs the little puppy died because of an attack of the heart.

The last song I was listening to was "A better place-Silverstein", when I opened Spotify it was the song I saw.

These are coincidences, throwing hooks, very bad irony of life. Now let's get to the story.

The story.

My mother woke me up in the morning,I planned on sleeping longer since ,like I said, supposedly it was the day off but my mom rushed me to my rat. Here he was. He had another attack, and his legs were taken away. Usually I would put him in the bag but it was too hot and.. He couldn't run away in this state anyway. I brushed my hair, brought my teeth and went outside ,I scrolled through the music because I didn't like to listen something about death at this time. He felt pretty bad but I tried to run fast. It's strange that my mom just sent me on my feet but I'm not better because I didn't ask for taxi or dad to wake up and drive me there. I ran ≈1/4 of the path and suddenly he just screamed. Last breath. Heart attack. Death. He stopped breathing right in my hands.

I called my mom — "I did not have time." — , she told me to go to bus stop. It was awkward standing there with a little dead body in my hands. I covered his head so as not to scare anyone. After that my dad drove me home , I didn't say anything. But I didn't cry before I stepped in the car. I cried inside. Along the way, I stroked my rat more and more out of habit, especially since it calmed.

At home, we wrapped him in a white sheet, prepared for the funeral. There was no particular fear (?) all the time while I held him in my hands, but when I put him on a rag and he froze like a scarecrow was a little .. I don’t know how to describe the feeling, this is not fear, but with relatives to it.

I drank lots of kvass, I really needed to drink since I didn't even eat at home and it's really hot outside,I didn't have appetite after I came home.

After the funeral, me and my sister walked with the dog and searched for a stone so that no one would dig my rat.

To be honest I thank my sister since she spent time with me after everything that happened.

At home there was a feeling of presence that was out of the fact that it was uncommon for him to be not near but this time the feeling of him being "near" was hurting because it was obsessive. We removed his cage, it was easier.

Now more information about him. Died around 9:20, 30 july (Based on the history of calls) . Last photo: 25 July. Last video: 27 July. Suffered from pneumonia. Died at the age of 3-4, lived for a long time for a rat. Reginald.

29 July 2025.

Today i feel tired and overwhelmed. My rat can die anytime soon,we try to cure him but let's face it - he is old. His back legs work but worse than before,he is sick ,he has something with the lungs. I walk to get him an injection everyday and he does feel better but still sick. I feel sad. Btw he also has low appetite . He doesn't even take the yummy stuff we buy for him.

(19:09) Fuck, it's such a fuck up right now, like I'm really tired lately, like I have to get up early in the morning to take my rat to get an injection (on foot) and all that together, if you round it up, is about 2000 km. And all this in the heat. And I come home, I still have to do some chores(both job and home). And now I have guests, they're constantly sending me out somewhere, but in the end it's even more stressful, because I constantly forget that they don't warn my parents at all (the mother is ok with it, but my father...) and like my father yelled at me today because I went to the river with them, like, fuck, that I didn't eat anything and went and he also complained that I was wearing slippers, fuck, in fucking socks, like: "it's fucking hot, don't embarrass me", go fuck yourself, asshole.

I'm really worried about the rat, he's old, I really think he'll die soon, he's very sick, his hind legs don't grip well, he walks normally, but it's hard for him to stay on a certain surface for a long time, because his hind legs are very weak, and there's some weird red crap that appears near his eye, apparently he's scratching his eye there, and he has a blood-like fluid coming out of his nose, but that's rare, he usually just sneezes.

And then I have to walk the dog in the evening.

I just can't, I'm torn. I'm mentally and physically tired, everyone's yelling at me and I have a lot to do, both at home and at work, and I just can't do anything else, I'm just tired and burnt out. And no one cares, no one cares. Like, I just have random moments where I just burst into tears, although before there was nothing special, no arguments or anything.

24 July 2025.

Yesterday i had a nice night of nostalgia. Today i have worst emotions ever. Because of my stupid asf dad. He thinks he is the smart one but he doesn't understand that i work just as much as everyone else in this hella house. He always thinks that idc about anything and that i dont work. He always insults me. He is constantly looking for how to complain about me. He just fucked me up, I want to run away.

he thinks im stupid but he dont even want to listen to me most of the times,He just presses me and makes me nervous.

i always try to show him how willing i am to help by the fact that I always respond when he asks for something, but as a result, he constantly screams at me and curses me.

I think I'm gonna have a panic attack